I've had a big case of the "shoulds" lately. I keep thinking that there are so many things that I *should* know, *should* be asking, and *should* be doing. For example, I keep thinking that I *should* know by now what I want to do next. That I *should* be treating this stage of picking my next career as a job itself -- sort of like what the experts say when someone is job hunting, to treat the hunt like a job. That I *should* be setting concrete goals for myself. (The goal-setting *shoulds* have been really loud here at the beginning of a new year.)
Last week I had an informational interview with creative coach Jamie Ridler of
Jamie Ridler Studios. And after talking to Jamie I keep thinking that I *should* Just Do It and try out some of the creative career ideas that interest me. That I *should* be planning a creativity mini-workshop for my friends, for example.
Yesterday I read a couple of posts on
Lori-Lyn's blog. The
first post was about following your heart, knowing yourself, and trusting yourself. The
other was about how she reconnected with her writing group on the day they would be setting their personal writing goals for 2010 and how she wondered what she would say for her goals. She went on to say how part of herself wanted to say that her goal was to have no goals - to just be and allow what comes naturally - while the other part of her wanted to have concrete, substantive goals. She talked about how in that moment she realized that she had never allowed herself to be completely joyful about writing - that she had always made it too important or too holy. In the end, she discovered that she did have some concrete pen-to-paper goals but that the shift in her thinking made the goals feel real and doable and that she did not feel like she was pretending to be something.
I had goosebumps while reading these posts and was struck with how exciting it is that Lori-Lyn is in such an awesome place (especially because not long ago she talked about giving up her writing dream). I was so impressed with her "go with the flow" attitude, her complete openness to the future and acceptance of whatever the future will bring. I was (and am) genuinely excited for her. My friend has got it goin' on!
On my way to book club last night I found myself again thinking about today's session with my career coach,
Monica, and what I wanted to focus on during our last session before we wrap up this phase of my career journey. I was heading in the direction of putting on paper my plans for a creativity mini workshop for friends so that I could show Monica that I was doing what I *should* be doing. And at some point it hit me: I haven't let go of the need to please others. At that moment, if I had sat down and started planning a mini-workshop, it would have been primarily to have some homework to show Monica. It would not have been primarily for me, even though I am interested in doing such. The homework motivation isn't so bad in and of itself, it's the pattern that bothers me. That's why I think I *should* know what I want to do next -- not because I
personally think I should know but because I want to have The Answer when others ask.
My thoughts then jumped to my goal setting dilemma. I had been putting pressure on myself to set some concrete goals because I felt like that's what I was supposed to be doing (again based on what I'm reading and hearing from others).
Let me back up a minute. Jamie Ridler told me to do two things: 1. Just Do It; and 2. Allow myself to just enjoy being creative for a while.
So I have to ask myself: Why do I think that 1. is valid and 2. is not? Why did I immediately jump to "I've got to start planning a workshop that could someday become a money generator"?
The truth is, I do want to explore creativity workshops as a possible piece to my next career. But I don't want to edit all of my ideas with a money-making people-pleasing filter. What I really want is to just engage in the process because it's fun and it's something I want to do and then see where it leads. I want to break my cycle of turning fun things into tasks. I want to practice the advice of the numerous career counselors who say to find what you love, do it, and the money will follow.
Toward the end of 2009 I decided that I was going to put being creative on the back burner so that I could focus on de-cluttering and organizing my physical space to make more room for being creative. That worked well for a while but then life happened and I got distracted and I ended up with neither -- I wasn't being creative because I had set a rule for myself that I could only be creative AFTER I finished working around the house. So I was essentially stuck in my own mud. Yuck!
I think I mentioned that I bought a sewing machine? Well, it's still in the box. For two reasons: 1. I haven't finished cleaning up and organizing my house, and 2. my grandmother thinks I should wait until I have a lesson -- which ultimately comes back to #1 because when I tell her that the class isn't until late February she says "good - that'll give you time to work around the house". And you know what happens? Then I don't want to do either! Geez, I'm really messed up, huh?
I hope you've been able to follow all of my rambling stream-of-consciousness writing. I'll try to sum it up here:
My goal is to stop setting inconsequential rules for myself and allow myself to just go with the flow and enjoy the process. I may have said this before, but I think it's worth repeating - because I obviously haven't met this goal yet! Instead of trying to take something and mold it into an income producing career, I want to just do what feels right, good, and rewarding and then see what career evolves. Does this make sense? Am I whacked out in left field? Because it certainly feels right to me!
Yes, I've dealt with the people-pleasing and self-imposed rules before; but I obviously have not yet mastered the challenges they present. I'm like Ralph Machio in The Karate Kid with Mr. Miyagi telling me to wax on, wax off, repeat while I want to jump ahead to the juicy stuff. But just as Ralph Machio's character was learning fundamental karate steps under the guise of waxing a car, I too am learning fundamental life skills that will benefit me throughout life. So I will continue to question the basis of my "shoulds", my self-imposed rules, and my urge to please others. Looks like learning to listen to my intuition and trust myself is a toll booth on this journey I call My Life.
Wax on. Wax off. Repeat.
